SCOTT SIMON, host:
Joan Rivers joins us now from New York. She has a new book out with a title so sensational only she can say it.
Ms. JOAN RIVERS (Comedian): "Men Are Stupid ... And They Like Big Boobs: A Woman's Guide to Beauty Through Plastic Surgery."
SIMON: Joan Rivers, of course, is the acclaimed comedian, raconteur and talk show host. Thanks so much for being with us.
Ms. RIVERS: I'm thrilled. I'm a great listener to this show.
SIMON: A lot of people are going to be delighted about the fact that we're interviewing you but not comfortable with doing a book about plastic surgery.
Ms. RIVERS: Well, that's why I did the book because people will tell you now how much money they lost with Bernie, how they're destitute because of Enron, and you'll say, what about plastic surgery? Have you done anything? Oh, I can't discuss that. So I said, it's time to discuss it.
SIMON: Now, I want something understood. You were quite forthright in telling people in this book that if they decide to have plastic surgery done, remember, it's surgery. A doctor should be involved.
Ms. RIVERS: Totally. Well, first of all, the book is very funny. I did it as if I were talking to a friend, but I also did a year and a half's worth of research on it, and everything I found has gone in the book and is terribly serious when you get to those points. Death is absolutely a part of saying, yes, I'm going to get my boobs done.
SIMON: But there are a lot of people who would decide that that's not worth the risk.
Ms. RIVERS: Fine. Good luck to them. I hope they live a nice, long, lonely life with no companions and no friends and saggy boobs that they step on.
SIMON: (Laughing) Oh, my gosh.
Ms. RIVERS: But Scott, we live in a society where looks count. It's so silly to say they don't.
SIMON: I would never argue that - I would never argue that looks don't count.
Ms. RIVERS: Go and look at the pictures on the covers of magazines. They are beautiful women.
SIMON: I only read foreign affairs. They don't have pictures.
Ms. RIVERS: Oh, well, then you're missing a lot.
(Soundbite of laughter)
SIMON: Just that gray cover, you know. And the Economist.
(Soundbite of laughter)
You describe in this book a so-called standard face lift, and I got to tell you, it's difficult to read.
Ms. RIVERS: I'm a doctor's daughter. I'm a sister-in-law of another doctor and the aunt of another doctor. So I've been brought up in medical surroundings. It's a procedure, and you should know what's going on, and you should take it very seriously before you make your decision. And yes, it is hard to read. It was hard to research.
SIMON: I'm going to read some of your own words.
Ms. RIVERS: Oh, my.
SIMON: You write in this book, your surgeon will detach or elevate the skin from your face starting from the temple.
Ms. RIVERS: I'm getting nauseous.
SIMON: Exactly. Then you say, rolling forward in front of the...
Ms. RIVERS: Yes, I know.
SIMON: Oh, my word! It's one thing to accept those risks if it's, lets say, a heart stent.
Ms. RIVERS: I love you very much , Scott, but you're a man, and I'm a woman. Since I stopped having my period, no man has come over to me and said, hello, baby, you're hot. It's life. You want to look young, and you want to look sexy. It's about yourself, truly. The woman is - or a man - a lot of men are getting it done. If you're unhappy with what you look like and it gives you confidence...
SIMON: You're pretty blunt in this book about people who have had something done...
Ms. RIVERS: Yes.
SIMON: And don't look their best.
Ms. RIVERS: Again, know who your doctor is. See other things that he's done and always say, give me a little less. I mean, Robert Redford - terrifying. Terrifying. He looks like he went through a wind tunnel.
(Soundbite of laughter)
Ms. RIVERS: There are some people you do not recognize. You say, who the hell is that? He's a lovely man. and he's a very dedicated man to what he does. He has to wear a name tag now in movies.
(Soundbite of laughter)
Ms. RIVERS: He goes down the red carpet, I go, who's that? They said, it's Robert Redford. Oh, my gosh.
SIMON: May I ask you...
Ms. RIVERS: Anything.
SIMON: Is there a procedure, a plastic surgery procedure that you just wouldn't have done?
Ms. RIVERS: That's a wonderful question. Not that I'm surprised because your questions are always very good. But yes, the G-spot amplification. It's a real - you see? You see?
SIMON: Pardon me, I'm...
Ms. RIVERS: This is the last...
SIMON: I have to kick-start my heart again.
Ms. RIVERS: I know. They are now doing that, and it started, of course, in Los Angeles. I'm going to wait on that for several reasons.
(Soundbite of laughter)
Ms. RIVERS: One, is there anyone around that cares?
(Soundbite of laughter)
Ms. RIVERS: And two, I find that it's not insane because if it makes - again, if it makes somebody's life happier, if it doesn't bother anybody else and you want to have it done, do it. I just think that would be so painful.
SIMON: Can I ask you about a totally unrelated subject?
Ms. RIVERS: Of course, of course.
SIMON: I was doing some research, and I finally saw this clip from the British talk show - is it called "Loose Women"?
Ms. RIVERS: Yes. (Laughing) Yes.
SIMON: Were you...
Ms. RIVERS: I was thrown off.
(Soundbite of TV show "Loose Women")
Unidentified Woman: Is that a part of your life that you enjoy doing, that kind of meeting and greeting the celebrities on the red carpet? ..TEXT: Ms. RIVERS: When they're nice.
Unidentified woman: Yeah.
Ms. RIVERS: You get someone like Russell Crowe, and you want to say to the camera, he is a piece of - get ready to bleep this...
And then I let go with what I thought - he's a blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. And then she said to me, which is very English, we don't believe.
(Soundbite of laughter)
SIMON: I was amazed that you were thrown off the show because everybody there was laughing.
Ms. RIVERS: I was very upset for about five minutes. I thought it was ridiculous.
SIMON: Who makes you laugh? What makes you laugh these days?
Ms. RIVERS: Oh, Bernie Madoff, of course. It's so - in between being hilariously funny, it's so - it's just ruining so many lives that - so, the economy. I'm doing a lot on the economy now. Obama you cannot touch yet because we all have such high hopes for him. The Bush's you leave alone because it's so sad, in a way. You know, it's such a sad ending to what could have been a - if anybody is president, they should be leaving a great legacy.
So what makes me laugh is, of course, the absurd, the horror. Anything that upsets me. I talk about how I hate children because I really love them. I reverse a lot of stuff.
SIMON: You hate children - you love your daughter.
Ms. RIVERS: I adore my daughter, but it kind of hurt when she started to cry when she found out she wasn't adopted.
(Soundbite of laughter)
Ms. RIVERS: That can break a mother's heart. My grandson has no respect for me because we're not a new face(ph). You know, you don't forget these things, Scott. You move forward, but you don't forget.
(Soundbite of laughter)
Ms. RIVERS: I do a lot of jokes on terrorists. I do a lot of jokes on 9/11 still in my act. Anything that you can't grasp, if you bring it down to where you can laugh at it, it becomes manageable and you become in charge of it.
SIMON: You're still working a lot.
Ms. RIVERS: More than ever. I've just done "Celebrity Apprentice." I have a new show on TV Land called, "How'd You Get So Rich?," which starts in March. I have a second show that's on for another year on IFC, Independent Film Channel. I do my concerts without a stop. I have the two books. I have a second book called "Murder at the Academy Awards."
SIMON: This is a novel that you're doing.
Ms. RIVERS: I love to work. That's a novel that got - how about - how about I work like a dog on "Men Are Stupid ... And They Like Big Boobs," and I'm so proud of it, and it's got so much good information, and it's funny.
"Murder at the Academy Awards," I've always loved mysteries. I knocked it off in three months. You know how funny life - life is insane.
(Soundbite of laughter)
SIMON: You work so much. I'd like to think you'd be doing that regardless of whether or not you'd had all these surgeries over the years.
Ms. RIVERS: Oh, if they would let me. I don't - you know, my business, if you don't re-invent, you're over.
SIMON: Yeah.
Ms. RIVERS: And also, I am so lucky. I always said, if I can make a living, just make a living, pay my car payment by being in the business, writing and performing, I'm lucky. And that's to this day that's what I always think. So maybe I would just have ended up a woman writer, you know. But a performer, they would never have let me hang around this long unless things had been done.
SIMON: Joan, it's always a pleasure to talk to you.
Ms. RIVERS: It's a pleasure to talk with you. I just had the best time with you. I hope I didn't shock too many people.
SIMON: Well, it's too late for that.
(Soundbite of laughter)
Ms. RIVERS: Too late now.
SIMON: But you know what? They'll be talking about it for weeks.
Ms. RIVERS: I hope so. I hope so.
SIMON: Joan Rivers. Her new book is "Men Are Stupid," with a subtitle you can only find on our Web site, npr.org. Who am I kidding? Any bookstore in America. Thanks so much for being with us.
Ms. RIVERS: A pleasure, a pleasure, a pleasure.
(Soundbite of music)
SIMON: And you can hear our unedited, no-holds-barred, no-bleeps conversation with Joan Rivers on our Web site, npr.org. This is Weekend Edition from NPR News. I'm Scott Simon.